We've been married 17 years. It was horrible since I did it secretly. Maybe I was expecting something like that. I left work early and took them to hospital, tended them there, brought them home and generally took care of as much as I could to keep them comfortable and on the way to mending throughout. Other times? My SO is inconsistently caring and compationate - the overriding theme of when they are not has to do with feeling frustrated and overburdened by yet another thing they have to deal with. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. ExpectingH to become someone he cannot/will not be is futile. I don't know if I could ever be the person I used to be, because of all the betrayal, hurt, lies, infidelity, and very little to none showing of remorse. Kids pick up on stuff they're not ****ed. I guess it could be that old saying of, 'Whatever you fear you create". All this crap about his kids "coming first" is just thatcrap. Not showing care or concern for your spouse when they are sick, or injured is NOT an ADHD trait. AskMen, Become a Better Man, Big Shiny Things, Mantics and guyQ are among the federally What should I do? But, He won't spend any TIME with me, or sit and talk to me, like when I've been sick or in the hospital. My husband thinks it's hilarious to ask when I'll be sexually available again but balks when I ask him for some ice to settle my stomach. It seems likely he would like the opportunity to feel affection from you, as wellso perhaps would be motivated. I do this sometimes. Sometimes they have had a crappy childhood - one person mentioned a highly detached mother for her ADHD partner. Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. He has No responsibility for any of his behavior or actions. This is not ok. Do you think being obnoxious made him FOND of me? Qualities many w ADDdo not possess. Or begging him to drive you home. Whichever it is, I wasted most of my life trying to make something work that couldn't. "He worked all week ~ he's Tired and Deserves to Rest"!!! There's definitely a disconnect. Whether it's romance, friendship, family, co-workers, or basic human interaction: we're here to help! He appears not to care youre pregnant and youre feeling unsupported. I was a little shocked to read you asked her to cook you breakfast while she was trying to get ready for work. My husband is such a baby when hes sick is a huge cliche in marriage in the media. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. Sorry guys, I just had to vent and get it out of my system. Like I was some animal in the Zooand he was just coming to see the specimen out of curiosity. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. He said it was too clinical and she was cold. I signed up for a local meal prep service, where they prepped a few dinners. I couldn't even keep them down or even water it was so bad and my mom called the Doc back and he said if I couldn't keep the water or pills down to take me into the emergency room? So I had been barfing all day long.almost going to the hostpital and was sicker than I had ever been before or after except with Appendicitis as an adult. But god forbid he do anything out of his way for me. Second, gently encourage him to connect. However Ive come to the realization that hes not the same as me. It means you're a dumb ass push over that loves acting like a victim. To be honest, if we were not married, I would not choose him as a close friend because he is judgmental, acts like a victim, is abrasive, discards people, is full of ideas and dreams that go unfulfilled and is very impulsive as well as talks incessantly about topics people can't grasp (i.e quantum mechanics- high IQ, low common sense). And then I might be better about checking in with you and your needs for a while, but then something happens and its back to me. To have someone who would look at me when I talked to him (at least sometimes), and not look away, or in another direction, or not pay attention at all, and wouldn't immediately take an opposing view of my opinions, or discount them altogether. Newly wed so some things are quite new. It dramatically affected my relationship for the worse. I used to do the same thing. That's not even in my nature.". But, he can't get past the victim hood yet. At one point my manager demanded I go see a medical doctor, which I already had, and because I was past two weeks of antibiotics and still sick, I was refused treatment. Maybe a spouse is a lousy caregiver, or just as sick if not sicker; maybe you never noticed till now that certain local family members are better at receiving than giving. Please ask around or ask someone in your family to get online and see what public options are available for you- to either improve your eye sight or get back to your home country. Some people have zero bedside manner. He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. She says take medicine or go to doctor. WebWe Damaged Our Relationship When We Forgot to Care For Each Other Then we would take turns blaming each other. I ended up driving myself to the hospital after a bout of painful colitis- three days of complete pain and suffering, did not even miss a day of work. I occasionally get teary about it, my feelings were so hurt. I don't think this is necessarily an ADHD thing. I'm glad that's 'not in your nature'except that it is. And of course, my fave from Walter Mitty movie "Beautiful things don't ask for attention. However, I work andtake care of the house and the kids. This has been validating. If you need help, I will cook dinner". Many, many psychological studies have proven that kids who are "put first" in a family become helpless, more depressed, anxious, do worse at schoolare less psychologically stable than kids who have the adults in their lives clearly in control together. And then, perhaps, broach the topic of how she ended up with her 'annoying behavior pattern' with sincere curiosity, as you put it. I feel like crap so I have no plans of running errands. I know this may sound "corny", lol, but I don't think I'm too off base with this. However I do notice every time I'm sick, my husband acts as if he sick. Yes, I chose someone who couldn't love,or who chose NOT to love. Best Sex Positions to Improve Your Sex Life. Submitted by adhd32 on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 13:56. Anyway..it was really serious and I can't ever remember being that sick before in my life and it was horrible right? He loves, smoking, drinking, games, cars, machines, jokes and flirting. Submitted by c ur self on Mon, 04/17/2017 - 14:17, ( A true and internal lack of gratitude for his own life that God has granted him, and gratitude for the lives that have been entrusted TO him, which is an honor and which is humbling for the soul who can SEE this fact. Hewas an abusive, narcissistic Asshole. Submitted by sickandtired on Fri, 12/11/2020 - 08:44. Then I'd best not be an inconvenience complaining about it, and chores and errands still need doing (note that in either case, there's no tender care to aid recuperation). I grew up in a house where you were basically quarantined when sick. Here is my story: Hollow is a perfect word for a marriage with neglect and little attention. But don't be the version of youthat is currentlyin his face. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. I am a partner though, specifically yours. My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. Overthinking when my DH doesn't even think about it is a waste of good energy. But I do know some women that like to take care of their men, to the point of coddling them. Recently I was knocked down by a I was "out of commission" for 6 weeks. Or pulled a muscle in my back. a top book that therapists suggest all couples should read, Tell me about it..My husband lacks sympathy for me and the kids, His entertainment comes before anything else, They take as much as they can for as long as we allow it, Yes Dear Dede sadly we do know of that you speak:), https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/empathy-and-adhd. but I am trying to get past the resentment so now it simply feels like a friendship and some days like room mates but my goal is to remain pleasant and loving, as I would treat a friend. WebYES, YOU CAN! I think the non spouse has to be less of a giver and move to the attitude of-I'm in this life for myself just like you demonstratedaily that are in it for yourself. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Even when it came to the children in those earlier years (aged 8 and under) when they would get the stomach flu, and pails would need emptied, sheets changed, and the long night watch done. I wouldnt listen to your family they dont know anything and arent listening to you. He lovesfamily when they are joking with him, but not if they need him. Mistake on my part expecting a bit too much help from my partner. (I'm not sure if he came over on the Friday night from 9 pm to 8 am.). No one has ever taken a day off when I was sick . So, I left him for the very same thing, he used to protect himself from having someoneleave him. But know that people can take a while to be retrained to react differently. Ask for forgiveness. I was treated for cancer a few years ago & this really threw things into sharp relief. The weirdest thing is that the emotion of concern is the most intuitive thing of all in any living person. I don't believe the behavior is intentional in my case. yuck. So he's taking it easy today and napping on and off. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. Germaphobe type thing? 1) Shes never on your side. I did it again. We're still at the beginning of our diagnostic and therapeutic journey. They will always be more important than you. I have no compassion in my heart for this and I have no means to find it or excuse this as anything more than totally Fucked Up Shit!!! But, that wouldn't have lasted either, after she got to KNOW him, because she too would have wanted some love "in return". WebSign #7: He doesnt ask you any questions about you and doesnt seem interested in who you are. Even though we were engaged and had a date set, I still shouldn't have gotten pregnant, and THAT action left me with something that I would have to deal with the rest of my life. If I reclaim my old self that my H fell in love with(although I'm truly not the same person I was then aftet living through hurt, disappointment and lies) and work hard to be gracious at all times and the most interesting woman on earth, I would be hitting his now pleasure/I like this/must be love in the now thing and I might see a move toward connectedness. Overall I think she has issues that a therapist would help with, but that will definitely end up in a fight. I never get any sympathy from him, but my children hug me, draw me upside down rainbows because I am in pain and can't smile, and try to help me. I would have been down on my kneesbegging for forgiveness.for making me go swimming with 104 degree temperatureand not believing me or showing the concern when I was told that I was sick and didn't feel well? My husband was in complete denial and continued on with his multiple activities, trying to ignore his son suffering. I do agree with you. Always. My mom used to go hands on care for me when I get sick growing up. I do believe he loves me. Female here sick and tired of whiny twats like you. That lasted about 6 months for us and about 2 years for me to get over. But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. You only get 1 life and your life matters, period. Sometimes that takes the form of cuddling or doing something together like a walk/talk. Submitted by Resentful on Fri, 03/16/2018 - 09:54. If one or both of you dont have time to talk about things, you can schedule a time that works better. You may want to reflect on your needs when you are sick as an adult. And when things happen to the kids the "mom" is always like I didn't know he would do that to our kids and abuse them even though I did. Theyve been together for 15 And my lack of ability to insist on my needs put me in a ditch with a broken neck on my moms 60 birthday. I have learned to compartmentalize my life and he is 20% of it now. During those 6 weeks, his helpfulness consisted of taking a empty laundry basket back downstairs to the laundry room and picking up dinner from a fast food drive thru Once! Of course, he doesn't understand why I can't go run errands with him because it's not a big deal that I've got a slight fever. #1. I start my day with positive thoughts of not retaliating, not overthinking, and not trying to change what I can't control. I don't think there is a way to forgive things like this. Gosh, feel better! But in the end, that doesn't matter either. But the AD/HD is so strong, it overrides that. Do I wish that were not the case? I do not think I will see a lasting change because myspousewith ADD is alwaysout for himself. Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. I was recovering from major surgery ~ he saw it that I had 6 weeks off from work! There absolutely is an empathy and emotional disconnect which fuels this, and without that empathy the rest of the ADHD partner's response is heavily coloured. Talk to her and use 'I need" statements. Sometimes it's commitment to dinner hour where you discuss things together (rather than eating alone). 2 yrs ago I was in a serious car accident. A male. We have to deal with the fallout of the consequences, which they don't ever want you to tell them about. 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